


Bro, where r u?

by cortchuzska



Series: Dornish wit [5]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Epistolary, F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-19
Updated: 2014-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-24 01:24:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/933489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cortchuzska/pseuds/cortchuzska
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Struggling with ICT in Westeros.<br/>featuring some of my favourite characters:<br/>- Oberyn&Ellaria seeking out on-line dating services for a blonde third<br/>- CERSEI AS ALWAYS CAPS ON, 4Q NETIQUETTE SPAMMER<br/>- Jaime trying to type one handed<br/>- Sand Snakes as hackers crew<br/>- Doran&Areo as Doran&Areo<br/>and a blood orange in a cameo role.<br/>everything happens as in the books, but for modern ICT technology, which is not making things much better<br/><em>Now starring Arya Stark, twitter sportscaster at the infamous Trial by Combat, and water dancing resident expert.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Wedding Planners](https://archiveofourown.org/works/846809) by [CommaSplice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/pseuds/CommaSplice). 



> Disclaimer: I deeply regret what I wrote and I deserve to burn in the Seven Hells for it, but after HBO shocking night, I felt so horrible I couldn't resist and added the duel with the Mountains. I dig Oberyn; my problem is that I can't help thinking something, and its opposite too. Or several opposites... You have been warned.

### mail

From: [MasterofCoins@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterOfMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

To: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

Cc: [SmallBunchOfPeopleOfNoConsequence-L@LISTSERV.Westeros.org](mailto:SmallBunchOfPeopleOfNoConsequence-L@LISTSERV.Westeros.org)

Subject: Welcome to King's Landing

Dear Prince,

His Grace deeply regrets he cannot welcome you in person upon your arrival as he so fervently wished, due to the upcoming royal wedding pressing commitments. I am looking forward to seeing you at your earliest convenience, and the small council is anxious as well for a man of your renowned wisdom to join its Highly Honourable members.

Accept my best wishes for your health.

Tyrion Lannister

### filthy chat room

SexyFoxyLady: 69 ?

SexyFoxyLad: 69 ?

HotBIBadass: Sorry 4 the misunderstanding, ur nick too similar. Fancy a 3some?

(GoutAndGrief has entered the conversation)

GoutAndGrief: Hi bro.

HotBIBadass: WTF u doing here? Tired of Areo?

GoutAndGrief: Looking 4 u 4 hours. Had 2 ask ur little gurlz 2 track u down on the net.

HotBIBadass: What 4?

GoutAndGrief: Can't tell u here.

HotBIBadass: Why u spoil my sport then?

GoutAndGrief: Can't tell u here. Little birds, AKA NSA, YKR?

HotBIBadass: Still brooding over my old tweets? #revenge4elia #whatwilldorando #2thespears #doranisawimp #dornedoesnotbend #throworanges@doran #springuprising made it to Dorne top 7 hashtags.

GoutAndGrief: Till I got twitter blocked.

HotBIBadass: U can't take a joke, bro.

GoutAndGrief: U tried to raise Dorne for Vyz w/ ur tweets. Let's not go over the past, k?

HotBIBadass: KK, whazzup?

GoutAndGrief: Family matters. Can't tell u here.

HotBIBadass: FU

GoutAndGrief: URGENT family matters.

HotBIBadass: Speak ur mind or leave. U not the only 1 w/ URGENT matters @hand.

GoutAndGrief: ::eyeroll:: Remember the poor orphaned girl in the red door house? Growing up to an age for marriage. Need a man to bring her back home. Already shipped Quen. A good opening in Kingslanding 4 Dorne.

HotBIBadass: Glad 4 him. Time he goes out of his shell. Hiz like u & a gov job will suit him.

GoutAndGrief: Bro, u go. Time u stop fooling about.

HotBIBadass: Gr8t! Long time no go there. Got to have Nym's mom cellphone somewhere. Howz her name like? Essosi could bother w/ something easy to remember, 4 a change. Lucky I kept mail contact w/ old Ben Plumm & the Company lads.

GoutAndGrief: Which Company?

HotBIBadass: 2nd Sons. Done quite a few dirty jobs together in the Disputed Lands.

GoutAndGrief: checking linkedin...

GoutAndGrief: what does it mean, contractors?

HotBIBadass: Valyrian for sellswords. Seen what they are up to now? Our Queen is growing hotter by the day, BTW.

GoutAndGrief: Pity you never got to marry her. Would have spared loads of trouble.

HotBIBadass: Which Queen? I have a bad feeling about it.

GoutAndGrief: DaddyzGurl. You go to KL. Quen brings back our heart's desire.

HotBIBadass: No offence, u want some1 street smart 4 that: Arianne/ Sand Snakes/ Arya Stark...

GoutAndGrief: No. Women and children stay home and speak only when spoken to.

HotBIBadass: sure u Dornish/ r u a troll?

GoutAndGrief: Think like your enemy to defeat him.

HotBIBadass: u doing gr8t: could pass as Tywin anytime.

GoutAndGrief: Thx. Quen on his way already.

HotBIBadass: ::faceslap:: Quen like never got a passport/ no fucking clue about gurlz? Going to KMS.

(HotBIBadass has signed off)

### mail

From: [LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx.do](mailto:LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx)

To: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Subject: Travel checklist

a) looking for a third

Can you believe we never shared a beautiful blonde woman in so many years together? Just occurred to me we could seize the enticing chance offered by our North travel and make up for such a regrettable neglect as soon as we reach KL.

b) packing

Since yours is a desk-bound job, you are not going to want a full suit of armour, are you? Poisons won't take up much room and are not much of a hassle, but I need space for all the pretty dresses I could wear at the King's wedding.

c) home

Dorea mislaid again her morningstar, likely at the Gardens; would you be so kind as to look about and bring it back, when you and Doran are done with last minute arrangements?

d) others

Anything I missed?

::smack::

Ellaria

### mail

From: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

To: [MasterofCoins@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterOfMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

Cc: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Subject: Re: Welcome to King's Landing

Dear Lord Tyrion,

I am sorry to inform you that both maester Caleotte and maester Myles strongly advise against a journey. I trust my brother, who is reading us in copy, will prove a fitting replacement, and his wise counsel will be of use to His Grace.

With best wishes.

Doran, Prince of Dorne.

U.U.U.

### messenger

BIHotAsHellholt: hi luv. as 2 KL, [http://paetyrbaelishtopclassescortservice.com](http://paetyrbaelishtopclassescortservice.com/) does it works 4 u? cannot open the link. The gurlz must have tampered with my things again.

HotBIBadass: NP redirects 2 [http://littlefinger.xxx](http://littlefinger.xxx/)

BIHotAsHellholt: worth a go?

HotBIBadass: NO UNDERAGE. Full stop.

BIHotAsHellholt: that's why it was blocked...

### mail

From: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

To: [MasterofCoins@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterofCoins@KingsLanding.gov)

Cc: [LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx.do](mailto:LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx)

Bcc: [MostIllustriousLords-L@LISTSERV.Dorne.org ; ](mailto:MostIllustriousLords-L@LISTSERV.Dorne.org)[MostFormidableWarriors-@LISTSERV.Dorne.org ;](mailto:MostFormidableWarriors-@LISTSERV.Dorne.org)[MostDistinguishedLadies-L@LISTSERV.Dorne.org; ](mailto:MostDistinguishedLadies-L@LISTSERV.Dorne.org)[littleDemon@hotsands.xxx.do](mailto:LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx)

Subject: Re: Re: Welcome to King's Landing

Imp,

Need to kill some time in that dung heap you call Capitol. Virtual sex goes old really quickly, local dating services would better serve.

Though I am not usually that picky, as of now blonde sluts preferred.

Speaking of which, greets to your sis.

O.N.M

U.U.U.

### mail

From: [MasterofCoins@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterOfMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

To: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Welcome to King's Landing

Have a look at: [http://ChatayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](http://chatayasstreetofsilk.xxx/)

### messenger

HotBIBadass: got link by mail: [http://ThatayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](http://thatayasstreetofsilk.xxx/)

BIHotAsHellholt: 404

HotBIBadass: Can't remember it. Howz the position like?

BIHotAsHellholt: 404 like page not found.

HotBIBadass: [http://ChacayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](http://chacayasstreetofsilk.xxx/)

BIHotAsHellholt: 404 again. Paste it.

HotBIBadass: [http://ThacayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](http://thacayasstreetofsilk.xxx/)

BIHotAsHellholt: [http://ChatayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](http://chatayasstreetofsilk.xxx/) ?

HotBIBadass: alayaya

BIHotAsHellholt: something wrong w/ ur keyboard, luv.

HotBIBadass: [alayaya@ChatayasStreetOfSilk.xxx](mailto:alayaya@ChatayasStreetOfSilk.xxx)

BIHotAsHellholt: BLONDE, I said.

HotBIBadass: u racist, or what?

(BIHotAsHellholt has signed off)

### mail

From: [MasterofMoney@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterofMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

To: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Subject: Wedding feast (was: Re: Re: Welcome to King's Landing)

Dear Oberyn,

Any luck with the blonde whore you were looking for?

Speaking of which, will you please forward me Her Grace's mail attachments regarding wedding feast menu, guests arrangement, and the likes? Due to a malfunction in my mailbox security settings, my sweet sister's emails are classified as spam, frozen and sent beyond the Wall.

Tyrion.

### mail

From: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

To: [MasterofMoney@KingsLanding.gov](mailto:MasterofMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

Subject: When will justice be served? (was: Wedding feast (was: Re: Re: Welcome to King's Landing))

Dear Tyrion,

I deleted Her Grace's 7 GB attachments (endless pages of overly detailed food porn and how-to for every bloody course, songs lyrics and music, performers' curricula and videos, 77 different versions of the ill-lucked Castamere rains, family photos with Joffrey in swaddling clothes, videos of him shooting his first crossbow, and so on)

I did not make all the way up from Dorne to have my mailbox flooded by spam nor to gorge myself on stodgy pigeon pies. It's justice I am craving for: I don't give half a fuck about your bland food, your master of cellars is blatantly on Redwyne's payroll, and your so-called Dornish eggs have never been heard of anywhere in Dorne.

Your mail is working just fine; though the recipients' list looks like an excerpt from _The Lineages of the Great Houses of the Seven Kingdoms_ , you don't figure in it.

If I may, it would seem your women' education is a tad lacking, and Her Grace never learned netiquette. My daughters were informed of the proper use of Bcc: as soon as they could hold a quill, and, though Doran considers me a lenient father, I would never allow them to spam around loads of uncalled-for attachments.

Oberyn

U.U.U.

PS: On second thought, your Dornish eggs might be a tamed rendition of Fire Spitting Dragon's eggs, so called in Dorne because they are hotter than wildfire. A double serving should be enough to thaw even a Stark, and will hopefully keep your Lord Father from relentlessly droning on, at every small council meeting I am forced to attend to, about your unfortunate bedding problem with the lovely Lady Sansa.

### mail

From: [theSphinx@theCitadel.edu](mailto:theSphinx@theCitadel.edu)

To: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

Subject: Mail address.

Dear Uncle,

Uni server keeps blocking father. Remind him the Citadel strict policy as to allowed sites/addresses (chastity vows and stuff); in his days breaking security rules and firewalls was easier, and anyway he got expelled because of it, right? I already wrote him, but I am getting no answer from [PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.com)

How did Areo like “Dragons: new perspectives in cybersecurity”? His professional opinion on my essay would be most welcome.

Hug Arianne for me.

You are a sweet.

Alleras

PS: Got another link – Copper.

### filthy (maybe not so filthy) chat room

TwiceWidowedAndLookingForTheNextOne: would date any would-be King of Westeros; gays, underage little boys, and sadistic assholes welcome. @>\--'--

HotBIBadass: care 4 a well-preserved bi6 prince? So totally into BDSM.

BIHotAsHellholt: luv, she wants a king and u not even a ruling prince, besides is she blonde?

HotBIBadass: hard 2 tell, navel cleavage takes most of profile icon. Worth a 1 night stand, IMHO.

Moderator: Ban warning. Clearly stated on front page: ONLY IF SERIOUSLY INTERESTED IN MARRIAGE.

BIHotAsHellholt: awful rubbish one finds surfing the net these days.

HotBIBadass: how the 7 Hells we got here?

BIHotAsHellholt: Quite sure of what I typed. A broken link?

HotBIBadass: I bet the gurlz pulled a prank on us.

(BIHotAsHellholt has signed off)

### mail

From: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

To: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Cc: [LittlePrincess@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do](mailto:LittlePrincess@martellsarehottoo.xxx)

Subject: Fwd: Mail address.

Lil' bro,

You could bother checking [PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.gov.doo) on occasion, or at least set up an automatic forward to your main address. Ask Arianne how to do it.

Take care.

Doran

### messenger

BIHotAsHellholt: OMG [http://HotInKindslanding.xxx](http://hotinkindslanding.xxx/) far right photo.

HotBIBadass: [MerryTaena@MyrishSwamp.xxx](mailto:MerryTaena@MyrishSwamp.xxx)?

BIHotAsHellholtl: No, [RedLatexQueen@YouCanKeepYourCrownOn.xxx](mailto:RedLatexQueen@YouCanKeepYourCrownOn.xxx) Family deals, sultry black haired women accepted, knife play. Sounds right 4 us.

HotBIBadass: Domme is k, but we agreed on a real woman this time.

BIHotAsHellholt: Not queen in that sense. Look at the bath-tub video. ::drool::

HotBIBadass: I am not blind... hot as wildfire, this one. Golden blonde, great body. Scrolling to see her face. Sarella played a bit with resolution settings.

BIHotAsHellholt: Green eyed. Go 4 it?

HotBIBadass: I'd sooner bed 100 scorpions.

(HotBIBadass has signed off)

### mail

From: [small_council@Kingslanding.gov](mailto:small_council@Kingslanding.gov)

To: [theSphinx@theCitadel.edu](mailto:theSphinx@theCitadel.edu)

Subject: Copper link.

Congrats on your copper, you are making me swell with fatherly pride. Is Perestan still the old fag I remember? Sent you some money to make merry with friends via Braavos Bank.

Your uncle got me a deadly boring government job (dreariest thing ever, coworkers Tywin Lannister and Mace Tyrell, lots of legal papers to go tru, 'nuff said), if you like you can call on me at King's Landing next Spring break and enliven your old man's dull days, even if by how seasons turn here in Westeros you will be archmaester by then.

Love, Dad

U.U.U.

PS: using work email, don't tell your uncle I fucked up my Sunspear address. Got account blocked, forgot password, and chose as secret question 'your partner's name'. Wish I had put sex, at least now I would stand a handsome 50% chance of striking it true.

PPSS: How can I go back to my old resolution?

### mail

From: [QueenRegent@Kingslanding.gov](mailto:QueenRegent@Kingslanding.gov)

To: [LordCommander@Kingslanding.gov](mailto:theQueenRegent@Kingslanding.gov)

Subject: DO UR DUTY, SER

dear lord commander, beloved brother & favourite toyboy

I REMIND U THAT ***I*** NAMED U IN THE OFFICE,  & AS LCoKG UR DUTIES R:

  1. ***OBEY ME*** ALWAYS, PROMPTLY  & NO QUESTION ASKED, ~~AS SOON AS I ASK IT~~

  2. SINCE WE ARE TWINS, & WE SHARE THAT PECULIAR BOND, ***BEFORE I EVEN VOICE MY ORDERS***

  3. KILL KINGSLAYERS, UR NOT THE MASTER OF LAWS & UR NOT ALLOWED TO BABBLE ABOUT “FAIR & LAWFUL TRIAL”

  4. WHY R U NOT DONE WITH THE DWARF YET?




i love u i love u i love u

cersei

ps. looking 4ward seeing u 2night. 2 match ur bed upholstery i will wear a see-through white dress, with nothing at all underneath. ;-)

### Red Keep intranet

DaddyzGurl: WHY U KEEP NOT ANSWERING MY MAILS? FED UR MANHOOD 2 THE GOAT OF HARRENHAL?

theOneAndOnlyKingslayer: jUst laarninGg 2 Typo W my Leftt

DaddyzGurl: dyslexia again, sweet bro? u want me 2 call father?

theOneAndOnlyKingslayer: NO PLEASE DON'T!!!

DaddyzGurl: i will spell it 4 u. KILL TYRION. u should change ur nick, BTW

theOneAndOnlyKingslayer: nOT suEr it Waz hiiM

DaddyzGurl: IF U DON'T, GONNA ASK LANCEL

WantToBeLikeJaime: almost dying & can barely stand

DaddyzGurl: U IDIOT, DON'T HAVE 2 STAND 2 SMASH DOWN A DWARF

WantToBeLikeJaime: g2g. Gr8t Septon here 2 confess me

DaddyzGurl: AM I THE ONLY 1 WITH ***NUTS*** IN THIS FAMILY?

(DaddyzGurl has signed off)

### mail

From: [RedLatexQueen@YouCanKeepYourCrownOn.xxx](mailto:RedLatexQueen@YouCanKeepYourCrownOn.xxx)

To: [theMountainthatRapes@Harrenhal.com](mailto:theMountainthatRapes@Harrenhal.com)

Subject: Trial by combat

Howz it, Greg? So long no heard from u.

Hope the wounds u got in the King's service are not troubling u too much, and nothing too essential was damaged.

May I ask my little doggy a little favour? Just show up 4 a sec at my brother's trial so the little monster will not dare choose trial by combat.

Purring 4 u,

ur lioness 4ever

ps. looking 4ward seeing u. Will u make me roar? ;-)

### messenger

HotBiBadass: Still using ur squire nick, kid? BTW, might need ur squiring skills again. Bring some strong Dornish red & a couple of friends w/ u.

littleDemon&littlePrincess4ever: 4some? Ari gonna take it amiss.

HotBiBadass: Not /those/ squiring skills.

littleDemon&littlePrincess4ever: k

HotBiBadass: g2g have 2 talk w/ ½man now.

(HotBiBadass has signed off)

### mail

From: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

To: [RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do; ](mailto:RedVipersDoItBetter@martellsarehottoo.xxx.do)[PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.gov.do; ](mailto:PrinceOberyn@Sunspear.gov)[small_council@Kingslanding.gov](mailto:small_council@Kingslanding.gov)

Cc: [LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx.do](mailto:LuvGoddess@hotsands.xxx.do)

Subject: URGENT - Brother, where are you?

Lil' bro

I haven't heard from you and I can't contact you by messenger/twitter/filthy chatrooms/whatever. What are you up to? Didn't like in the least your last hashtags: #gonnakillthemountain #andwhospokethewordstoo.

Nothing rash, I beg of you. Mind you have 8 children home.

Please reply soon.

Doran

### twitter

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #TrialByCombat Aren't there less convoluted ways to enjoy some blood and gore without having to set up such a mummers' show?

TheFirstKingslayer ™: #TrialByCombat Would you have me to explain the gallant rules of duel?

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #TrialByCombat Again? I am only a girl with no mind for such matters and our followers are not interested in the crap.

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat A little girl got hired to explain the technicalities 2 the followers and she knows enough of the ways of it: check my uname.

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat Cool down. Today is not the day I die.

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat 5 years in Essos, 6 links at the Citadel, and you don't even understand a stupid Valyrian sentence? You know nothing about GoT.

SizeDOESmatter: #TrialByCombat THUD THUD

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat Seen the monster's size? You are going to fight that: still think you can gain the upper hand?

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #smugsmile Size doesn't matter when you are flat on your back ::wink:: ::wink::

TheFirstKingslayer ™: #TrialByCombat Too true. Combat is a subtle art: it's all about rhythm, angles, nimble limbs, rocking... isn't it, sweet sis?

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #TrialByCombat Can't get why you boys get so excited about swordplay. Or spearplay. Or whatever you call it..

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat ::swirl:: ::swirl::

TheFirstKingslayer ™: #TrialByCombat Vow: that's what I call technique. Never seen the like since the magic days of Arthur Dayne!

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #TrialByCombat Dreadfully boring game when you don't care for its rules: a nice beheading is something even the smallfolk can understand.

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #gonnakillthemountain #TrialByCombat ::swish:: ::swish::

TheFirstKingslayer ™: @VipersTeamSupporters Stunning! Dornish school unmistakable flair!

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat Excellent balance, good footing, swift lounges and parries. Flawless spear handling. A water dancer through and through.

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #TrialByCombat Capers and acrobatics fit for a children show. How long before we get some real action?

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #gonnakillthemountain #TrialByCombat ::swirl:: ::swirl:: :swish:: ::swish::

SizeDOESmatter: #TrialByCombat STOMP. I injured my pinky toe!

TheFirstKingslayer ™: @VipersTeamSupporters #TrialByCombat What a match! Owning it like a boss!

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat Mine own style: quick as a snake, cut hamstring, wheel round...

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #gonnakillthemountain Say HER name!

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat...a few raging words of revenge, and straight through where the heart is. That's how a neat job is done, my dear followers.

DontKillMeTodayNorAnyOtherDay: @VipersTeamSupporters #TrialByCombat Fuck fair play, and get done with it!!!

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #andwhospokethewordstoo Say HIS name!

DontKillMeTodayNorAnyOtherDay: #andwhospokethewordstoo #poll Is there a moron in every village who doesn't know who was behind it?

ValarMorghulis: #andwhospokethewordstoo Don't get greedy now: I had father, mother & brother slaughtered by the Lannisters. Leave someone 4 me to kill!

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #andwhospokethewordstoo Hands off Tywin. ::swish:: On my wishlist long before you put down yours.

TheFirstKingslayer ™: @VipersTeamSupporters #TrialByCombat Calling out father! Go Viper!

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #gonnakillthemountain If you don't say the name ::swirl:: I will haunt you to the Seven Hells!

DontKillMeTodayNorAnyOtherDay: #TrialByCombat Why don't you just slay him? A professional like Bronn would never let personal feelings get in the way of business.

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat #gonnakillthemountain #andwhospokethewordstoo ::swish:: Say THE names! ::swirl::

ValarMorghulis: #TrialByCombat Lesson #1: STICK HIM WITH THE POINTY END, YOU BLOODY IDIOT!

TheFirstKingslayer ™: @VipersTeamSupporters #TrialByCombat Here we go, here we go, here we...

SizeDOESmatter: #TrialByCombat SMASH

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #TrialByCombat

 

 

> Ouch.
> 
> — Pedro Pascal (@PedroPascal1) [June 2, 2014](https://twitter.com/PedroPascal1/statuses/473288824781815808)

SizeDOESmatter: #TrialByCombat allow me to establish the proper order of events: I killed the children, SCRUNCH, then I raped her, SCRUNCH, then I killed you sister.

YouRapedHerYouMurderedHerYouKilledHerChildren: #cruel&unusualdeath

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #smugsmile #TrialByCombat You saying about size?

TheFirstKingslayer ™: #TrialByCombat ::facedrop::

TyrionIWantYouToDie: #smugsmile #TrialByCombat #smugsmile You were right about combat, bro. When you lie down, though...

### Water Gardens intranet

GoutAndGrief: :-( :-(

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

GoutAndGrief: :-((

(BloodOrange has entered the conversation)

SplatteringBloodOrange: plop.

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

GoutAndGrief: :-((

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

GoutAndGrief: :-(( :-(

SplatteredBloodOrange: ahem... I don't mean 2 intrude, but I just said 'plop'.

MarriedToHisAxe: :-((

GoutAndGrief: :-((

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

SplatteredBloodOrange: plop. PLOP. PLOOOP! did u hear me?

GoutAndGrief: :-(

MarriedToHisAxe: :-((

GoutAndGrief: :-( :-(((

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

SplatteredBloodOrange: Guyz, how long r u going on like this?

GoutAndGrief: :-((

MarriedToHisAxe: :-(

GoutAndGrief: :-(((

SplatteredBloodOrange: :'-(

(SplatteredBloodOrange has signed off and reaches for a box of Kleenex)

### Sand Snakes darknet

Password Prompt:>_ nJ6^FhmBusQ%

ACCESS DENIED

Password Prompt:>_7$w8BY63ssTk

ACCESS DENIED

Password Prompt:>_ R7%%7J6i5&7ke^u89l!^

SYSTEM ALERT!!! Last attempt. Miss it, and your hard disk will slowly die of greyscale.

Password Prompt:>_Unbowed

Strong (like Robert Strong) Password:>_Unbent

Unbreakable (like in Breaker of Chains) Password:>_Unbroken

ACCES GRANTED

WhoresDaughter: nuke OT

BetterThanYou: what 4? Lannisters won't give a fig about OldTown

FangedAngel: u forgot Sari is in it.

WhoresDaughter: Whoops...Just read her paper about double authentication.

BetterThanYou: I say: gut Tywin, Cersei...

WhoresDaughter: [http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/4ARYASTARK](http://www.amazon.com/gp/registry/wishlist/ARYASTARK)? mine was creative, Nym.

FangedAngel: crown Myr

BetterThanYou: as she were not a Lannister, & bastard on top.

FangedAngel: who do u think ur, sis?

WhoresDaughter: BTW, sure ur not a Lannister? Blonde and Ty-something ...

FangedAngel: kk, got awesome idea, crew: cyberattack!

BetterThanYou: Attack! Attack!

WhoresDaughter: As to Sari's paper... New pwd?

BetterThanYou: OpenSesame.

WhoresDaughter: lowcase, Ucase and special chrs required.

FangedAngel: SpeakFriends&Enter.

WhoresDaughter: Not nearly as badass as ours.

BetterThanYou: Fair point.

FangedAngel: Areo never going to crack it anyway.

WhoresDaughter: That man has no imagination.

### mail

From: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

To: [securityservice.@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:MasterOfMoney@KingsLanding.gov)

Subject: URGENT – Domestic protests.

Areo,

the Sand Snakes are hatching something for sure, I can feel it in my worse than usual aching bones.

Shut down twitter, better NOW than soon, just to be on the safe side, and take whatever measure you deem necessary to Dorne national security.

D.

### mail

From: [securityservice@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:theCaptain@security.gov.do)

To: [Obara@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:Obara@SandSnakesCrew.do)[; ](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)[theLadyNym@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:theLadyNym@SandSnakesCrew.do)[; Tyene](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)[@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:Obara@SandSnakesCrew.do)[;](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

Cc: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

Subject: Re: Domestic protests.

Dear little ladies,

I am sorry to notify you that your crew attempted DDoS attack on Sunspear.gov.do servers was successfully blocked.

You are under arrest on accusation of illegal internet activity and felony to your liege lord; henceforth I am to inform you that under Rhoynar law you are not entitled to speak to anyone, and you will be shipped straight ahead to rot in Ghaston Grey, with no trial whatsoever.

Regrets,

Areo.

### mail

From: [PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.gov.do)

To: [Obara@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:Obara@SandSnakesCrew.do)[; ](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)[theLadyNym@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:theLadyNym@SandSnakesCrew.do)[; Tyene](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)[@SandSnakesthecrew.do](mailto:Obara@SandSnakesCrew.do)[;](mailto:PrinceDoran@Sunspear.com)

Cc: [securityservice@Sunspear.gov.do](mailto:theCaptain@security.gov.do)

Subject: Re: Re: Domestic protests.

Beloved nieces, Since I am a wimp and the Prince of Dorne and you are my late brother's daughters, I commuted your penalty to home confinement atop the Spear Tower with no Internet access.

The little ones will attend boarding school at the Water Gardens, where a no-children-surfing-the-net rule is strictly enforced.

Love (((( you all ))))

Uncle.


	2. Disclaimer

I deeply regret what I wrote and I deserve to burn in the Seven Hells for it, but after HBO shocking night, I felt so horrible I couldn't resist and added the duel with the Mountains to my original work; you can find it in the twitter section. I dig Oberyn; my problem is that I can't help thinking something, and its opposite too. Or several opposites... You have been warned.


End file.
